How to Negotiate Without Feeling Drained

How to Negotiate Without Feeling Drained

Sean: Got it. Are there cues that you look for, Mark, when you’re negotiating with someone? Like, I know that one, the best negotiators try to read people and they try to look for cues. Like, you know what this means, you know what looking at the cell phone means, and you know that they’re bored. They want you out. What are you doing at my house?

What are some of the cues that you specifically look for to see if you’re actually moving the needle towards your favor in a negotiation?

Mark: There’s no one technique that I use, there’s no one thing I look for. But to your point, you want to look at body language. You want to listen for tone. You want to see your level of engagement.

You might even just during a long negotiation, recognize that other person’s getting tired. So you know what we’ve been at this for a couple of hours. Why don’t we take a break? Let’s just come back tomorrow. Not because some position isn’t, isn’t going us. You know what, this other person my negotiation partner, he’s tired. So I think he’ll be more engaged with this tomorrow. But you do want to see again how some respond, is it no, or no? Right?

Those are very different responses. And so you can determine there’s something behind there, certainly in that second one. That was a strong ‘no’. Okay. What is it that clearly is just something you don’t want to have happened? How can we take that off the table? And let’s find the areas that aren’t quite so objectionable.

Sean: Do you tackle when people do get emotional in a negotiation? For example, I know that there are times when I personally felt offended, when there are negotiation counterparts when I was starting up SEO-hacker, who would give me a super-duper low price and would try to just shove it down my throat, that I have to get that deal so that will make some, one person feel bad.

How do you usually respond when that happens?

Mark: Some people just take the classic hard-line, “I am going to beat you down and get the lowest possible price.” Some like to use intimidation. You see this particularly if one party is just physically bigger, louder, comes off stronger, and they wanna intimidate the party. But we have to remember as business negotiators. Again, there are exceptions like these hostage negotiation cases, but for, I suspect most of the audience here, we’re business negotiators, this is about a business deal.

And really whether that person is big or scary or loud or quiet, doesn’t matter, it about does the deal work for us? And so don’t be afraid first to walk away if it’s not a good deal for you, but then also to recognize if you yourself are getting emotional. If they’re trying these things to just tweak you to just put you in a state where you basically make a mistake because you are so emotional, it’s okay to take a break.

It’s okay to not respond to that email immediately or to say “let’s come back to this tomorrow, or I just need to step out” or even “I need to go to the bathroom for just a few minutes, we can keep going,” and just walk out, recognize you you’re in that mental state. And then you can use calming techniques.

You can use techniques like my friend Olivia Fox Cabane has a great book called “The Charisma Myth.” And there are techniques in there, for example, you just step out, go to the bathroom, whatever. When you’re doing that, think about your loved ones. Think about your pet. Think about that childhood toy that made you happy.

And just in your mind envision this, and that’s going to shift your mental state from being in that angry, emotional, ‘I have to fight back because that person said something very mean’, to I’m thinking of my childhood pet. I’m imagining playing with my dog. I’m relaxed. I’m happy. Okay. We have an issue on the table. I’m going to come back to it, but I can do so in a state where I don’t have those emotions clouding my judgment.

Sean: Regarding what you said with negotiation. You mentioned earlier that it’s okay to walk away from a negotiation. Now, I know for myself that when I was starting out as a freelancer, I wanted to get every deal I possibly can.

And I know a lot of people here in the Philippines are like me when it comes to just being in fear of missing out on an opportunity. But what would be like a good negotiation counterpart for you? What would be a good deal for you? And if it’s not good, how do you actually walk away from that? What are the things that you say? What are the things that you don’t say?

Mark: One of the first things that you need to do before you step into the room is figuring out your BATNA, B A T N A. This comes from the Harvard negotiation project, which is one of the world-class organizations looking at negotiations. Your BATNA stands for, “Best Alternative To Negotiate Agreement.” B A T N A.

Before you go into the room, you think what is my best alternative to a negotiated agreement. If we go back to this used car example, I want to buy your used car because I want to drive to the. But you want a really high price. And I know I’ve got so much budget. If you’re asking me to go over it, what happens if I don’t afford it?

Well, I can still take the bus, the bus isn’t as fun. I’m not going to enjoy it once in the rain. Can’t maybe use it for other places, but it’s good enough. It might not be worth the price you are asking for. It’s only worth up to a certain limit. So I might think I’m willing to spend up to $3,000. I’m going to try to buy it for two and anywhere between nine, anything less than three, really, I will accept it.

But if you’re asking more than $3,000 at that point, you know what, I can always take the bus, and I can live with it. And so this way I don’t get overly emotional and we’re going back and forth. I finally settle because I’m emotional, like, alright, fine. $3,500. I accept your offer. I just want this done with.

Wait a second, I just overpaid for this car. So before you walk in the room, think about your BATNA. If you don’t do this deal, what happens? Now, if your BATNA is, I don’t know how to pay my rent at the end of the month. Okay. That’s a challenge. And one of the things you want to do is try to increase your BATNA.

So if we’re in negotiating and you’re trying to push me to a lower price, well, I want to talk you up. I want to convince you I’m worth more, but maybe that’s not working. But if I know, you know, if I don’t take this job with you, I have this other opportunity. I know they’re willing to offer me more. Your company might be more fun. It might be a more interesting project.

And so if this other company is offering me, let’s say $20 an hour, I might be willing to work for you for $18 an hour, because it’s a really interesting project. Or I really liked the people there, but you know what? I can’t go below 18. And frankly, if you’re only going to offer me 14, you know what, I have this other alternative.

I can do this one for 20, or maybe, maybe they’re only, also 18, but doesn’t matter. I have another option. And so without that option, I have to take what you’re offering or I can’t pay my rent. With an option, I can walk away.

Sean: So have more options on the table for yourself so that you can walk away, still happy. That’s a really good point.

Mark: Yeah. We often think of negotiating as just you and I say, across the table from each other, but it’s also other options and opportunities outside that set. And this is where you want to be creative, enlarge the pie, whether it’s the pie between us or just the options of all the pies I can potentially do a deal with.

Sean: And that actually catapults us to my next few questions, which is about networking. When you say increasing the pie that has a lot to do with networking, cause then you got, if you’re a network, it’s not big, it’s not great. Then the opportunities you have, in the alternatives you have shrinks exponentially.

How do you actually expand your network in the sense that it is a helpful network that will allow you to increase your value in negotiations?

Mark: Unfortunately, most people think of networking as I am just going to add strangers on LinkedIn, or I’m going to go out, and that salesperson who collects 10 business cards in 30 minutes at the bar.

Adding someone on LinkedIn and saying that person is in your network. This stranger you’ve never met is now in your network. That’s like saying you just swipe right on someone on a dating app and this person is now your significant other.

We would never say that, “oh, look, she’s swipe right. I swipe right. Great, we’re in love. Perfect. We’re going to get married. No. What do you do? You say? Well, good. This is a good start. Whether if the other one will swipe left, but now what do we do? We have to get to know each other. We have to build that relationship, which in dating means we go on dates. Now it’s the same thing with a little less romance.

When you meet someone at an event or you connect online, well now what you have to do is build that relationship. You have to get to know the other person. It might just be in a professional context. Tell me about your business, your needs might be getting to know you. Tell me about your spouse, your kids, but it’s building that relationship.

And one key thing to remember is this concept of wall time versus clock time. What do I mean by that? Imagine someone who you have known for three years, but you see this person once a year at some conference, you go off, you meet this person. ‘Oh, Hey, you know, nice to meet you. A year later, ‘oh good to see you again.’

Right. And if you do this for three years, you have a 30-minute conversation once a year. Do you know that person very well? Not really. Compared to someone, wherein you take a job, it’s like, alright, you two are going to be working on this project together. And you working together really closely for a month.

That wall clock time is only one month as opposed to three years, but you spent a lot of time together, right? The actual wall calendar time is short, but that clock time is big. Of course, even clock time. We can spend a really intense week. Here we go, camping together for a week. Alright. We’re going to get to know each other pretty well.

But still, we haven’t seen each other in other circumstances. What happens when you have a bad day when your business is tanking, are you a jerk? Do you lash out at people? I don’t know that about you yet. And that’s where you need that wall time to really say, how do you behave long-term in different circumstances? So we need a combination of both and this just takes time.

Sean: Good stuff.